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(…continued from last week)

Options Do Happen

To deal effectively with a difficult person, we need to be able to observe them and notice what they’re doing. If someone suddenly becomes more difficult, irritable or angrier than usual, it often times is a sign of emotional stress or that something has changed in their world. If that person seems depressed, or angry, or overly sad, in many cases, you may be able to give feedback or be able to talk to them in ways to solve things or at least, at a minimum, calm them down.

Most people become difficult to deal with when they’ve lost the ability to handle the stresses or the changes in their life. Some people flow through change more easily; many have a very difficult time.

There are approximately 30% of the people you’ll encounter who love change, they thrive on it. The rest of the people you deal with have, to some degree, a difficult time as a result of changes they’re going through. Sometimes it can upset their stomach, sometimes it gives them a headache, in some cases it just makes them more grumpy or growly.

We need to observe. If you take the people around you, your clients, your customers, your bosses, your co-workers for granted, even long-standing people who know you well, you may find that that is going to trigger a disagreement. Find out how much involvement they need from you; find out how much input and feedback they want from you.

The Perspective Check

In many cases when someone becomes a demanding or difficult person it’s a sign that stress buildup is occurring or that some change has happened in their life. Check and make certain that you are not just seeing this from a limited perspective, but ask others and see if they notice the same behavior as well.

Dealing with a difficult person requires being objective and doing analysis, assessing what’s really going on. You have to consider the options before you can choose the best way to achieve co-operation, change, and collaboration with them. Defining what the problem is can be a beginning.

This difficult person may not even see themselves as being difficult, they are just acting out from something that occurred around them, and again remember, they’re trying to get a payoff for their behavior. Before you can find the solution you have to begin to define what’s going on. You need to look at the situation, and if you can, make a few decisions about what you’re going to do, before you interact with them. You need to manage yourself first.

Finding New Ways

You need to have ways to generate options. There is usually more than one solution to any problem that comes up. There’s more than one way to deal with a conflict when it arises.

One of the things that works really well when dealing with a difficult person is to ask what they’re looking for. Brainstorm with them what some of the things are they want to do, or what some of the things are that they think would resolve the situation. You then make a list of those and together you sit down and rate these on a scale of one to ten—one means no chance of that happening, up to ten, there’s something you can do about it, or there is possibility.

When you brainstorm, you create the list; then together begin to look at what some of the things are that can be done to resolve it and the likelihood of it succeeding. When you do this you create a win-win for you and for them. Looking at those solutions can make a difference in their perspective, in the way that they’re going to deal with you and the level of difficulty that they exhibit in working with you.

If someone is resisting change, you’ve got to remember that everybody listens to the same radio station; WIIFM—“What’s In It For Me”

We all are self-serving, and that person you are dealing with is trying to figure out what’s in it for them to go through this change. Change, in many cases, stimulates stress and resistance. So, when they’re going through that, you need to analyze what will help to move them through change and how you can support them.

When people understand where you’re going, the more likely it is they will deal with you. It becomes easier to have give and take during the interaction. Clear signs that you are willing to give, make it more likely that the other person will do so as well.

Perspective Gets A Vote

When you begin to describe the vision to your partners, get their feedback to make certain that they understand what’s happening. As the stresses go up, resistance to change happens. When the stress increases you need to make certain to keep aligned with the vision. When you discuss it with them and use the strategy of asking, “What do you think will work best? What will work least?” they know they have input. Most people will automatically calm down as they feel heard.

In dealing with a difficult person, it is crucial that you remain objective. When dealing with them it helps to stay calmer, more centered so you can truly get the message as they intended it. The problem is that all too often those messages are clouded with emotions, yet getting the message can make a giant difference. We have to look and find our own biases, so that we don’t let them get in the way of hearing what that other person has to say.

Being aware of our own viewpoint and their viewpoint and the differences between them will make things easier to deal with. It calms us down and allows us to see more of the situation. You need to ask yourself, did you do something unintentionally which has triggered this difficult behavior? Then you need to find ways to move through it so that they and we can get on with that which needs to be done.

(to be continued…)

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