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Finessing How You Communicate (Part 5)

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(…continued from last week)

Mismatching Creates Disharmony

Ernest Hemingway said, “Today is only one day in all the days it will ever be. But what will happen in all of the other days that ever come, can depend on what you do today.”

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The Psychology Of Making An Exceptional Person-to-Person Connection
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Albert Einstein said, “Fact is fact, but perception is reality.”

William Jennings Bryant said, “Destiny is not a matter of chance it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved!”

Connecting with others, finessing your communications is about making effective choices.

What if someone does something you disagree with and you correct them by flat out saying, “You are wrong!” Often the other person will defend the position they hold, they will probably try to justify themselves. They might retaliate by attacking you and saying you are wrong or that you just don’t know the whole story.

When you probe a situation and you observe it from a “second person” or “other” perspective, you gain insight into that person’s beliefs and values. As you strive to understand the position she or he experiences, you actively are validating their perspective on some level. When they think you understand their position even if you disagree with them, the other person quite frequently will be more likely to listen to your point of view as well.

Do you like to be wrong? Do you like someone pointing out how you screwed things up? How do you feel when someone lectures you on the right way or the best way to do something? The approach taken in making corrections makes a major difference. If you blast someone’s values or you blast their beliefs or ideals you may start an interpersonal war.

When Great Britain was having a heated dispute with a dictator known for violating human rights, who do you think America backed—Britain or the dictator? Well, obviously we aligned with Britain because we agree on many levels. Our cultures and most of the values of America and Great Britain are aligned. We back the group most similar to us.

We like people who are like us. When you align with another person’s values you have an ally. If you believe in quickly making a firm commitment and someone else likes to be more open minded or open-ended you can still cooperate. Just seek out where you do have agreement, then move into an understanding of what is the best possible outcome for you both. Finding where your beliefs align creates an atmosphere of collaboration.

Build Rapport Then Lead

Before you can effectively lead the interaction with another person to a different state, you must first have rapport. Trying to move a mule when it doesn’t want to go is like trying to lead someone into a different state or better communication without first having rapport. To create rapport you pace; words, tone of voice, language, behaviors, looks, thereby creating a match and a sense of comradery.

After you’ve paced effectively and you have established rapport, you can lead the person to change. If you want someone to adopt new methods, change behaviors, alter an emotional state or communicate more effectively in any circumstance–you must be able to lead.

If you want harmony pace them, then lead them to this new state or position. If you want to teach, persuade or get others to take action, you must establish a connection with them first and lead them to the new desired state.

There is a truism in selling that says “before the person you are selling to will buy from you, they must first buy you.” You must be congruent, you must connect with them or they will go elsewhere. When you are in sync with others, leading becomes a relatively easy process. Who would you rather cooperate with, someone you don’t trust or dislike, or someone you consider a friend?

The most effective leaders pace the group values, they behave in congruent genuine ways then motivate the group into action by creating a dynamic vision of the potential future. Simply stated, they pace then they lead.

Innovation & Communication

Steven Jobs, the cofounder of Apple computers had a vision of a powerful fun way to get personal computers to work. His vision is now known as “The Macintosh” computer. He brought together a group of people who were in rapport with him and made sure they were in rapport with each other. Then he led this team of visionary doers on the path to their collective desired outcome. Jobs delegated authority and encouraged the members of the group to try new things and take risks; some things failed, some worked. When new members were needed for the team, the existing team members interviewed the prospective members and then chose others to be brought on board who they found fit in with the rest of them.

The Macintosh team found passionate people who had the skill level required, desired to change computers and had aligned values that were able to quickly fit in with the rest of the team. This small group of dedicated individuals changed the world of computers.

When you’ve paced and mirrored effectively, when you have rapport, the person you connect with will follow and fit in with you. You can lead for a shift in emotional state or opening of communication. If the person you’ve been mirroring doesn’t align with your lead, either you don’t have rapport or you took too big of a step. If they don’t follow your lead, back up, make sure you have the rapport, then when you think you do try it again, see if that person will follow with what you are doing.

(to be continued…)


Has this program caught your interest? Just can’t wait to hear the next segment? Or perhaps you’d like to download the entire program to your phone or tablet and listen during your travels? You can purchase and immediately receive this entire program as a digital download. You will receive all 8 audio segments, plus a 20 page PDF transcript! Order Now: Finessing How You Communicate

Instant Rapport Building
The Psychology Of Making An Exceptional Person-to-Person Connection Would understanding the communications that promote goodwill and the communications which turn-off others be of benefit to you? Have you ever lost a customer and wondered how to bring them back? Would knowing the drivers that motivate people to take immediate action help you? Starting today you can apply strategies that boost the connection between you and others’. Psychologist, trainer and author Dr. Larry Iverson will give you proven tactics for improving your communication, diminishing misunderstandings, and building a strong person-to-person connection.