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I’ve Only Got Three Nerves Left – And You Are Pinching Two Of Them (Part 8)

(…continued from last week)

The Four Kinds of Conflict

There are four primary kinds of conflict that you can experience with someone: 1) conflict of roles and responsibilities, 2) goals and needs, 3) values and beliefs, and 4) perceptions and point-of-view.

Conflict of roles and responsibilities is about who has the power, who is in authority, who’s territory is this, who has the upper hand, who has the knowledge, what are they trying to do, what is their role in this situation?

Goals and needs includes what does the other person want, what do I want, who has the influence in the situation, is something urgent, how crucial is it, what do we need to clarify. Goals and needs that we’re trying to attain.

Values and beliefs are what’s important to you, what’s important to them, what do they honor, how trustworthy are they, do they have integrity, how risky is this to you or to them, what is the level of threat, what are the values, the underpinnings, those things that you hold with honor? You need to know that about yourself and them.

And the fourth conflict is the conflict of perception and point-of-view. It’s the way you see the situation. It’s the mental inference of what’s going on. It’s the history of experiences, it’s the way that we come to the situation.

Perception and point-of-view is by far the most common type of conflict. Over 80% of all conflicts are conflicts of perception and point-of-view. We’re older, younger, male and female, richer, poorer, have more education or less education, we grow up in difference sizes of families in different parts of the country, we have different educations, we have different hobbies and interests, we have different sizes of families now, we have different things that we want to do with our lives, we have different goals. Because of all of these things perception and point-of-view is by far the biggest kind of conflict.

President Dwight Eisenhower one time said, “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.”

These conflicts – roles and responsibilities, goals and needs, values and beliefs, perception and point-of-view – can all be managed but you have got to be the one to manage them.

To work efficiently and effectively with another person requires give and take. Unmet needs, whether real or imagined, are important to the people around you. If you choose to discount the other person’s input, even if it is delivered as criticism and negatively given comments, you lose something.

When needs arise, negotiation is necessary. When in power struggles we’ve got to make sure that we become a better communicator. This process of making sure that I’m really receiving the right message makes a difference for both you and them moment to moment in every interaction.

(to be continued…)

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