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Break Free of the Blame Game

Relationship tip number ten is an expansion of something I mentioned a moment ago. It is break free of the blame game. We need to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. One of the most common causes of disagreement is blaming others or the situation for how we feel instead of taking responsibility.

When you point fingers at someone else, when you point fingers at the situation, it causes emotions to rise up that may or may not be very helpful.

We need to remember it’s not the situation, it’s not the other person’s words, it is not the other person’s actions that have caused our anger or our pain, it is our own thinking. It is what that meant to us. It’s the way we judged it. It’s the way we choose to look at it from our own perspective. It’s the things we think about what they said or did or the action they took and it’s our evaluation of it that is upsetting to us or calming, not what they actually did. Read more »

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Practice Listening

Hint number nine is practice listening. Practice accurate listening. Practice active listening. Along with speaking more accurately, we have to practice being a good listener.

You may say, “I am a good listener. I listen to what they say. I don’t interrupt them. I’m there and paying attention.” But are you accurately clarifying what you’re hearing? You need to.

We need to be aware of what the person is truly saying. If your partner says, “My first impression of you was that you were immature,” listen to what they say. Do not jump to conclusions and assume that they think you are immature. They said “My first impression was X.” it may have changed! Don’t get defensive because that impression may be different now. Clarify and avoid issues. Read more »

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One Thing at a Time

Tip number eight is that when you go to talk about things that are important to you, talk about one thing at a time. Talk about only one topic.

When people get in heated discussions, they often feel like they have to defend their position at all costs which doesn’t really work. They bring in all kinds of side issues. When you’re having a discussion, stick to the topic. Take one thing at a time.

We don’t need to be right. We don’t have to support our position. We don’t have to argue. We don’t have to bring up things from the past or focus on what might happen in the future. We talk about one thing at a time. Read more »

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Be Honest

Tip number seven is be honest. There is honest and there is brutally honest.

I once counseled a woman who didn’t have any long term good friends. She had not been able to hold a relationship together, and the reason was because she justified beating people up with her words by “I’m just being honest. If they can’t take it, that’s their problem!” But it’s the way she did it, and that unkindness came back to bite her more than once.

That means if someone is having a tough day and they put on something that is not your favorite thing you don’t say “Oh my gosh, you look ugly today!” You need to be “directful” without being heavy handed.

When your partner knows that you’re telling them the truth, you tell them the good things as well as the bad things. You don’t hide things. They trust you on a deeper level because they know you’re honest with them. They know you care but they also know that you are willing to step up and tell them what you really are seeing, experiencing, feeling and thinking. They don’t have to guess if you’re being honest with them. They know you are. Read more »

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Feelings Are Valid

Couples communication tip number six is that emotions are not normally right or wrong. They just are.

We are emotional beings. Everything we do, we do because it feels right to us or it feels wrong to us or it’s something we need to fix or there’s something going on that gives us a certain gut-level response. We are emotional human beings. The most logical person on the planet has feelings about things.

Emotions aren’t really wrong. It’s just how you react to them that in many cases that causes the conflict. Often we hesitate to talk to our partner about what we’re feeling because our feeling may be strong and we’re afraid that they’re going to feel a certain way about our feelings and what we say and that may not feel good to us either.

Feelings–we aren’t wrong because of them. They aren’t wrong because of them. Human beings are emotional creatures. Emotions are neither right nor wrong; they just are. Read more »

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Who has the Concern?

Relationship communication tip number five is that we need to focus on the person who is having the concern whether that is you or whether that is them. If it’s you, you need to slow down and take the time, organize your thoughts, find if this is an appropriate time and then communicate effectively.

But if they have a concern – if your partner accuses you of something, if they get upset by something you’ve done, we often automatically become defensive and feel like we have to explain our side of it. This is how we see it. This is why we did what we did. This is how come things are the way they are now. Read more »

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More Than One Perspective

Tip number four would be that we need to watch out not to confront our mate with preset judgments or opinions that say they are wrong or at fault. There is more than one perspective on something and to automatically jump in and say that the way they see things is incorrect may not be the best strategy.

If you confront that person because you think he or she is at fault and you happen to be mistaken and you’ve done it in an aggressive or unkind manner, both of you lose. You will bear that burden, you’ll bear that pain for a long time. Read more »

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The Appropriate Time

A third tip for building a great relationship and improving your communications is don’t bring up important issues during rushed, stressful or inappropriate times of day. Does that happen? Oh yes, but we need to slow down. If it’s important enough to talk about and something that is really essential to us, we need to take time and do it during an appropriate time.

It’s a great practice to voice what’s going on with you and talk about what’s happening inside and how you feel about something when it comes up, yet if you have an emotionally charged issue, something you just need to get out and discuss, it’s best to wait until you both have time to sit down, talk about it and think through it. Read more »