Building rapport and connection with others is a central part of life. The better you do this, the more successful you will be in every area of your experience. Eye contact is one of the most powerful methods for building your connection.

Diversity is everywhere. Daily you will cross paths with people who grew up in a different country. They may speak a different language, live with different customs, enjoy different foods, and so on.

Some you meet will have been told in his or her culture to keep their eyes averted and look down, because it shows respect. You will meet others who were trained to always look people in the eye so they know you are paying attention. Most people you deal with are somewhere between these two extremes.

Here are a few rules of thumb that will serve you with most of the people you will interact.

When you make eye contact less than twenty-five percent of the time, the person will likely make an assumption about so little eye contact. They will probably think that you are not paying attention to them, or that you don’t like them, or that you are afraid, or that you have something to hide. These assumptions may not be correct. Yet most people will automatically believe one of these.

On the other extreme, if you make eye contact more than seventy-five percent of the time, they will think you are staring at them–because in effect you are. No one likes to be stared at. It triggers nervousness within the person who is being looked at.

Looking someone in the eye around fifty percent of the time is optimal. That is a comfortable level of eye contact for nearly everyone. You have eye contact, you glance away a moment, you look back, you look at something else, etc. This is comfortable for most people.

In the Western hemisphere, if we tend to err in this process one way, it is holding someone’s gaze too long. Here’s how you will know if you’ve gone too far and are actually staring at someone.

Let’s say you are making eye contact, they look away and then look back and you are still making eye contact, that’s fine. If they look away a second time, and you are still looking at them when they look back, this is borderline too much. If they glance away a third time and you are still making eye contact–you are actually staring at them! Stop! Give them a break! Look a way for a moment.

That third “look away’ by them is a signal to you that it’s time for you to cease eye contact for a moment. Glance away, then go back.

Experiment with this process. Pay attention to how people respond to you when you look at them too little or too long. Note their reaction. This simple rapport skill can make a major positive impact in all your interactions.

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