Order and download this entire eight-part audio program.

---

(…continued from last week)

Upside and Downside to Conflict

Every difficult person you deal with, every conflictual experience you face in life is rich with both positive and negative potential. It can be a source of tangible or intangible gain, inspiration, enlightenment, learning, growth, or anger, fear, shame, or guilt, feeling trapped or feeling resistant. The choice really is not up to the difficult person but it’s up to us and our willingness to face and work through the situation.

When you are dealing with that difficult person and the conflict begins, you need to find ways to maintain personal control which means giving up the scenario of seeing ourselves as the victim, as picked on, as the person who’s in the downward position.

We don’t have to see the other person as the enemy. It requires that we give up our fear of engaging in honest communication with somebody even if you distrust them or even if they are blasting into you at the moment.

Improve Your Communications

By adding new tools to your toolbox you can truly, more skillfully, confront that critique or problem and choose to grow and learn and become more effective in handling the challenges with that difficult person. You can position yourself to approach and engage with that conflict situation more constructively by using a few of the following actions.

If you know you are going to be talking to a difficult person—set the stage. Go to a neutral position. If you know that you are going to have a conflict with them, don’t do it sitting in their office. Go to a cafeteria, get them into your office, do it out in a hall where you can walk with them. Do it in some neutral territory. It takes some of the sting out of it. It takes a little power away from them.

You also need to disengage your fight or flight response. You need to clear your mind of things that you already have preconceived about the conflict or the situation.

You also need to make certain that you find what their concerns are. Listen carefully to what is being expressed by them. They have something they are trying to get out of the situation.

There is a payoff they are trying to get and you need to listen so you can discover what that is.

You need to truly separate this bad behavior from them. No one is only about bad behavior. There’s got to be a positive side of them somewhere. Even if the majority of the time they behave in a negative way that’s not all that they are. We need to separate the person from the problem, what’s coming up in the future from what’s happened in the past and from the positions and interests that are being held at that moment in time.

We need to brainstorm possible solutions to whatever the situation is that’s bothering them. Then you can get them on your side. When you get them to be an active participant in the process in many cases the tensions will diminish because once they understand you are listening and are willing to take the time to understand their position more effectively then you can begin to work together.

The brainstorming process can often make a giant difference. We need to find what it is that they are looking for and what they are trying to achieve through this process.

In many cases you need to remember not to surrender your position hoping the conflict will go away. The point is not to avoid the conflict but to work with the person so we can resolve it and in the future have a better relationship.

Now are there people who are just negative? Yes. We already said they are getting a payoff from doing that. Yet at the same time when we brainstorm with them – when we find a way to deal with them and talk to them so that the conflict can be out in the open we steal the payoff that they are getting for doing it.

Recognize the larger issues and express these through the process. Discover how your committed actions, your acceptance and responsibility will contribute overall to a much better partnership. We need to find a way to search for completion of the issue or the problem. Dealing with difficult people requires paying very close attention to the communication, remember communication is always a two way street. But it’s more than that.

Communication — The Two Way Street

Up until the 1960’s communication researchers believed that you give a signal to someone and they then give one back. Then you give another one and they give another one back to you. Well, that’s partially true. What really happens is that both you and they are continually and ongoingly sending signals back and forth.

As they are talking to you, the look on your face, the tone of voice, the listening noises you make, the way you posture your body are all sending signals to them—even if you don’t say a word. When you are talking, the look on their face, the noises they make, the way that they posture, the eye contact and lack of it and so on is once again sending signals back to you. Communication is always a two way street—you to them and them to you.

Back in the early 1970’s Dr. John Grinder said, “You cannot, not communicate.” Meaning, we are always communicating. You are on stage.

When someone sees you, the way you hold your body, the look on your face, the clothing you wear, the postures you hold, the gestures you make, the tones of voice you use, send signals-you are communicating. Even if you try not to communicate you are still sending body signals.

Let’s say you just walked into a room and someone is sitting there. They look up at you. You glance at them and look away and keep walking. Did you just send them a message? Absolutely!

Depending upon how you looked at them, the way you are moving and how their day is going, that look and movement can be evaluated in many ways. They could think, “Oh they are just in a hurry.” Or “What’s wrong with them? They must be having a bad day”. Or “Maybe they don’t like me.” There can be many different interpretations and all you did was just glance over and keep walking. You are continuously and ongoingly sending communication signals. You can not, not communicate.

More Than Just Words

In 1971, Dr. Albert Mehrabian of UCLA wrote the book, “Silent Messages.” In his book he said that communication is 55% visual, 38% tonal, and 7 % the words that we say. Now when Dr. Mehrabian wrote this he got bombarded with letters from people from around the world saying “You are wrong. That cannot be correct the words have to be more than that.” He said he could prove that these numbers were correct.

Visual is everything someone can see. It’s the look on your face. It’s the tilt of your head. It’s the facial expression you have. It’s the eye contact you make. It’s the clothing you wear. It’s your posture. Are you sitting or standing? Everything someone can see sends a signal.

Tonal is about how fast do you talk? Do you speak clearly or do you mumble? How much inflection do you have in your voice? Or do you speak in a monotone? Do you have an accent or a dialect? All those tonal components also send a message to the person listening to you.

Then there’re the words.

Dr. Mehrabian did go on to say, “There are times when the words can be a hundred percent of the communication.” If you are sitting at home and the phone rings and you pick it up and someone says, “I’m not certain how to tell you this, but your best friend was just seriously injured and they are in the hospital. They may not make it. You ought to go down there right now.” No matter how they say those words, no matter how calmly or quietly, you are going to feel instantly like something just hit you, because those words have a huge emotional impact on your life.

But most of the time, in the vast majority of situations where you are communicating with someone, it’s much more what someone can see and the tone of voice than it is the words themselves that is impactive. How you say what you say in many cases makes a much greater impact than the words themselves.

Don’t Assume

Before the Experience Music Project opened in Seattle, I developed the Customer Service and the Management Programs to train the people that were going to be working there. Both the customer service program and the management program were presented multiple times because of the number of people being trained.

At the beginning of one of the customer service programs, there were two people sitting off to one side of the room who were talking. They were looking around the room discussing things and chatting until the class began.

On the other side of the room was a gentleman who had his head shaved except for a bright blue Mohawk which had been spiked and stuck straight up about six inches. These two looked over at him, pointed and whispered, making faces, shaking their heads, and without ever hearing what they said I could tell that they were probably making disparaging remarks about him.

As the class went on the man with the Mohawk began to speak and you could tell he was extremely well educated. We all learned that he was a professional musician, and had been a manager in another corporation, and was doing this for fun. He had already retired in his 30’s, well to do, and was there just because he loved music. The other two definitely changed their opinions about him.

We make automatic assumptions when we see something that doesn’t fit in with our picture of what ought to be.

There are also the tonal components. Are there different ways you can say the phrase, “That’s right?” Yes there are. You can say it in a normal tone of voice, you can say it in a questioning manner, or you could be sarcastic. You can say it passionately or you could say it in a surprised manner. You need to pay attention to those communication signals because they can enhance the conflict and make the difficult person even more difficult to deal with. Watch what you are doing because the only thing you can control is you.

(to be continued…)

---

Has this program caught your interest? Just can’t wait to hear the next segment? Or perhaps you’d like to download the entire program to your phone or tablet and listen during your travels? You can purchase and immediately receive this entire program as a digital download. You will receive all 8 audio segments, plus a 29 page PDF transcript! Order Now: The Essentials to Dealing with Difficult People and Tough Situations