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Negative Self-Talk Eliminator


Do You Pay Close Attention?

Part 10 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Pay Close Attention

When pacing with someone you can lead them to open up more when you have rapport. The way you test and see if you are in sync and if you are matching them is that if you change your posture or voice tone and they change too, then you are in sync, you have built rapport. In this way, you can lead them to a more resourceful state and enhanced communication.

After she and I had been talking for a few minutes I gestured briefly and then didn’t refold my hands, waiting a moment I noticed she didn’t change her posture at all. I waited a moment, then I resumed my folded hands position. After another minute or so of discussing her company strategy, I tilted my head slightly, then she did also. By doing so she kept her eyes on the same plane with me so we could make better eye contact. That was progress!

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The conversation began to show more give-and-take instead of me dragging her into it and getting monosyllable answers. Within the next couple of minutes we even laughed once. She began to ask me questions. While I talked, I leaned forward a bit while loosening my upper body and unfolding my hands, within about 15 seconds she sat up a little straighter, stretched her arms and legs, took off her reading glasses. We were on a roll!

Increasing The Energy

I began to more enthusiastically discuss the benefits employees would gain from this seminar. I uncrossed my legs, lean forward a little bit, and at that juncture she asked me if I would like a cup of coffee.

When the secretary arrived with the coffee, we moved to a more relaxed table and chairs adjacent to her office desk. Both of us were more animatedly discussing the program, sketching notes, leaning forward into the table. Our conversation was lighter. We became collaborators, we matched. We worked together to help her company empower their people.

At the end of our meeting (an hour and a half later) she said, “I feel like we’ve really gotten somewhere. This is a needed training that benefits everyone – company and customers alike,”

She glanced at the pile of papers at her desk and laughed, “Even my mountain of reports looks a little more likely to be conquered now!”

She had communicated with me on numerous levels, which I observed and I paced. In doing so I established rapport. Her perspective shifted from seeing me as an interruption and an irritation to seeing me as a resource and a collaborator. In this process she also physically relaxed and felt more able to deal with the pressures confronting her.

Subsequent contacts we had in preparation for the training were amiable and highly productive. It worked.

Enhancing Your Relationships

Zig Ziglar said, “In dealing with other people you cannot often tailor make the way you are going to deal with them or your situation in life, but you can tailor make your attitude to fit those situations!”

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale said, “Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for in many cases that will determine our success or failure.”

Dr. Robert Anthony said, “Act as if you have already achieved your goal and it is yours!”

Pastor Robert Schuler said, “Let your imagination release your imprisoned possibilities and you will soar!”

If you were to exactly copy, match, mirror every single move, every single gesture someone else made you would break rapport with them. How would you like someone to copy your every move as soon as you made it? This isn’t effective pacing, this is not matching nor mirroring. It’s mimicry, and it’s irritating.

Matching someone else doesn’t mean you have to be an exact copy of them, just a close approximation. You wouldn’t copy each move as soon as the other person made it; you have to use your judgment about what seems appropriate.

(to be continued…)

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