The Institute for Advanced Developement | Dr. Larry Iverson | Strategies for Success | Creating Exceptional Health, Happiness, Relationships and Wealth
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Negative Self-Talk Eliminator


Can You Make a Positive Connection?

Part 9 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Making A Positive Connection

Why would one person say another is a fake? Usually because there is a disparity between what the person is saying and his or her behavior. There is a mismatch between the communication signals that you are receiving, the words don’t align with the tone or the body messages given.

When we receive conflicting signals, or when we give them to others, the result is normally confusion, distrust, or a breaking off rapport. Remember, when it comes to disagreement between the words and non-verbal message, the nonverbals are believed first just about every time.

Nonverbal Communicator
What do your body language, clothing choice, and vocal intonation say about you?
Learn more…

You can pace them on one of numerous levels to build or break rapport. You can pace what someone does with eye movements, facial expressions, postures, gestures, words, tone of voice, rate of speech, even breathing patterns. You can pace emotional intensity, interests, values, beliefs, customs, habits.

Pacing determines how well you fit with the people with whom you are interacting. This pacing process promotes and creates buy in between you. Frequently, when I’m preparing a seminar for a corporation or government agency I need to interview a manager or executive to find out what the most importance needs are within the organization. After doing that I can design a speech or program that aligns with the desired outcome.

Connection is Central

Once when I went to interview an executive, I walked in to her office and noticed how her desk was completely covered with stacks of file folders. Other than the desk blotter area right in front of her, she was surrounded by this wall of paper. She glanced up from her work and gruffly said, “I can only give you about 10 minutes right now, I’m just buried”. Instead of moving to the side table and chairs in another area of the office, she just rolled her chair back a few feet, tilted her head back, rubbed the back of her neck, dropped her chin so that she was looking at me over the top of her glasses, which most people would usually remove for a conversation. She was giving me hints that this was going to be brief. She crossed her legs and her arms, then said, “Okay, let’s talk.”

Do you think she was giving me a message that I was interrupting her? Definitely. With all those “brush off” communication signals I knew I had to build rapport first and temporarily forget about the proposal and getting information from her. I sat in the chair directly across from her, I leaned back a bit, I crossed my legs, and I folded my hands in my lap. Instead of folding my arms I put my hands together, it was a close approximation of folded arms, I was pacing her.

Telling her about information I had collected from other people in her company, I began to ask open questions to get her talking. I adopted a serious tone of voice that she was using and spoke just slightly faster than she was. I made it a point to interject comments into our conversation that showed I understood her overwhelmed feeling. I also asked her to tell me if our meeting began going overtime and she said, “Believe me I will, thanks for understanding.”

(to be continued…)

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