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I’ve Only Got Three Nerves Left – And You Are Pinching Two Of Them (Part 10)

(…continued from last week)

Hostile Criticism

The third type of negativity or this negative input you can receive is hostile.

In this case this criticism and negative feedback is encased in aggression. Unlike the non-verbal and the indirect, this aggressive content is very obvious and open.

People may invade your space, they may tower over you, they give you strong negative or hostile looks, they may take on an aggressive posture towards you. They may talk louder, they may attempt to stare you down, it could be something like blaming, “You are terrible, you’re a bungler, you keep blowing this!” Direct hostility.

Exaggeration is an example. If you hear someone say, “You NEVER get this right!” or “You ALWAYS do that!” Those absolutes are hostile. They are figuratively poking you in the chest.

Grandiose statements designed to hurt fit within this group. “You’re a terrible ___________ (fill in the blank) manager, parent, speaker, author. etc.) This is said very specifically because it is intended to prod you with these grandiose statements.

Direct Criticism

The fourth type of this negativity, this hostile input is direct criticism. If you’re going to receive criticism, this is the best one; better than non-verbal, indirect or hostile.

Here the negative input is out in the open. It’s not particularly aggressive. They’re just telling you what they see.

“You made a mistake on the report.”, “This summary isn’t well organized.”, “I don’t like your attitude about this work.”, “You’re making too many demands on me.”, “You need to be more productive and put more time into this process.”

This is direct, they’re giving you that poke but they’re doing it very straightforward, no malice intended. If someone lays it on you, this is the best kind that you can get. We need to use emotional intelligence to manage any and all of these forms of criticism.

Safety & Risk Within The Statement

Why would someone choose non-verbal or indirect over hostile or direct negativity input? Because it’s deniable, number one, and it’s safer.

The most common criticism, negative input, negative feedback that’s received in families and in close-knit office communities is non-verbal and indirect. They don’t say it straight out. Usually, when someone has something to lose, they use these indirect methods because of the deniability, because it’s safer.

When you’re hostile, when you’re direct, you lose safety, it’s a bigger risk. It rebounds back on you when you are hostile or direct with others.

Making sure that this straightforwardness happens with you and the people around you in some ways is very good. You want that direct input. The problem with it is that all too often that pincher grabs on to you and the negativity is hard to overcome.

Yet that’s better than receiving the non-verbal or the indirect criticism because you can deal with it. It’s not this round the bush kind of negativity where they’re giving you a hard time indirectly.

(to be continued…)

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