There’s a mathematical principle called the Law of Requisite Variety. It says, “The element in a system with the most options, will control the system.”

For instance, let’s apply the law of requisite variety to thinking about an aspect of a car. What is the most complex part of a car, and is also the part of the car that is most likely to break down first? It’s the engine.

Why? The engine is the part of the machine with the most moving parts and the most complexity, so it has more ways things can go wrong or break down. Using the Law of Requisite Variety, the part of the system (engine) with the most options (or in the case of the car, the most ways it can break down) is the one that’s going to have the most influence over the system.

Though you can have a brake or transmission problem, the brakes and transmission are not as complex overall as is the engine, and therefore are less likely to give you problems because they have fewer ways they can break.

Interpersonal Requisite Variety

With interactions between people, the part of the system with the most options will once again control the system. It’s the same process.

Think of a disagreement with someone who you know well; your parents, your spouse, one of your children, a close friend. Well what would happen if yelling was the only way that person you were in a disagreement with could deal with it? That was their only response in a disagreement—yelling.

Whereas you, being the master of your mind and emotions, could behave like they do—you could yell.

Or you could walk away.

Or you could stay calm and discuss it.

Or you could look at the issue from the other person’s perspective.

Or you could go online and look up data to support your perspective.

Or you could call up somebody who was an expert in this and get them to join in the conversation that aligns with your position.

Or you could joke about it, or you could do many other things. If you had all those options of dealing with conflict, and all they could do was yell, who do you think would come out on top the majority of the time in disagreements between the two of you?

It’s pretty obvious—you would. Because you have the most flexibility in the ways you can deal with a situation and the most flexibility in your behavior. You have many more ways to manage the situation than they do. The part of the system with the most options will control the situation. In the conflict—that’s you.

Self-Management is a Win

Who do you think would be most likely to feel best at the end of the conflict as well? Probably you would.

Who would most likely get the other person to problem solve and overcome the issue? Right again, it would be you.

A friend of mine, Steve Andreas, once said, “If you only have one way to do something—you are stuck, or in a rut. If you have two ways to do something—you are in a dilemma. Only when you have three or more ways to do something do you begin to have the freedom of options.”

Apply the Law of Requisite Variety everywhere. It’s freeing, and sets you up to win.