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I’ve Only Got Three Nerves Left – And You Are Pinching Two Of Them (Part 7)

(…continued from last week)

Person vs. Problem

Another thing you can do is really try and separate the person from the problem. Separate the future from past interactions. Separate positions from interests.

You strive to clarify what’s going on between you and them so that you don’t make them the problem. You don’t link up something that’s happened in the past with what’s coming in the future. You maintain your awareness right here and now.

Strategize

Another thing that is a key to making things begin to work and managing the situation is brainstorming. Brainstorm the potential solutions to the conflict. Listen carefully and see if you can compile as big a list as you can possibly come up with for alternative ways you can manage the situation that works for both you and for them.

There’s never just one way, there’s never only one perspective. So brainstorming, strategizing together, looking at alternatives can make a huge difference for both of you.

Negotiation

Another option here is negotiating. Negotiate collaboratively rather than aggressively.

Collaborative negotiation means, ‘We’re looking for something that will work for both of us. We’re looking for solutions that can be good for each.’ Looking for values, standards, rules that help resolve the dispute to both your mutual satisfaction.

Get a 3rd Party

You can also use formal problem-solving situations. Getting a mediator in the midst of the issue can be a major asset. Getting another person involved, can make a big difference in keeping clarity in the communications. By getting someone who has no ties to either of you, they can more objectively overview the moment and make a difference in keeping things on track.

When doing therapy with someone or in coaching situations, I am the uninvolved third party. I can look at both situations, I can give feedback to both, but at the same time I’m out of it so that I can be that uninvolved third party. Having someone like that, can at times make your interactions and discussions significantly easier, especially if they become heated.

Be Poised & Tenacious

For the majority of situations, don’t just surrender to the conflict. When you just give in to make it go away, it doesn’t go away. All that happens is you lose. The point is not to avoid a conflict, it’s not to allow them to run games on you, but to manage the situations so that it works for both of you.

We also sometimes need to recognize that these issues we’re looking at are bigger than just us. They’re bigger than just that other person. We need to find a way to make certain that we’re looking at it from a larger perspective. We need to search for a completion. We need to find a way to wrap around our perspective and theirs, so that they can find a wholeness or a completion in making this work.

By doing this completion that encompasses both, you begin to manage the situation more effectively. Because frequently neither one person nor the other is wholly right or the other wholly wrong. We need to make certain that we are looking at the complete picture.

By disengaging your fight or flight response, by looking at the situation from the bigger perspective, you can oftentimes find places where you can work together and move forward in a way that’s healthy for both of you.

(to be continued…)

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