There are dozens of ways to build rapport and connection with others. I want to talk about one specific aspect—eye contact.

We live in a very diverse world. On any given day you will cross paths with people who grew up in a different country. They speak a different language, have different customs, like different foods, and so on.

You will meet people who have been told all their life to keep their eyes averted and look down, because it is rude to make eye contact. You will meet others who have been told always make sure to look people in the eye so they know you are paying attention. The majority are somewhere between these two.

Here are some statistics researchers have found that works for the majority of people you meet, even those from another culture.

If you look someone in the eye less than 25 percent of the time, they will make one of a few assumptions. They will think either: you are not paying attention to them, you don’t like them, you are afraid, or you have something to hide. These assumptions may not be correct, but most people will believe one of these.
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In human experience conflict is normal. But conflict is really only of two forms—external conflicts that you have with other people, or internal conflicts you have within yourself.

There are four kinds of conflict you can experience.

First is conflict of roles and responsibilities. In this is: who’s responsible for the task or the situation, what are the roles people have, who has the power or the authority, whose territory is this, who has the upper hand, what is the leadership structure and where is each person in the hierarchy, and so on. This happens frequently, and is normally about power structure.

Second is conflict of goals and needs. This is about: what results are we trying to obtain, what outcome is to be achieved, what do people need in the situation, what information is lacking or needs to be clarified. It’s about where people are trying to get to. To manage goals and needs conflicts information is usually needed. Clarifying where the person or organization is trying to get to is essential.
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Comedian Bob Hope said, “If you watch the game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.”

Mr. Hope’s humor is about the perspective we hold—and about ones’ attitude.

Studies have documented that over 80% of all conflicts, are conflicts of perspective. It’s the way one person sees it vs. how the other person does. It’s not that one individual is totally right, and the other totally wrong, but instead quite often it’s just that there’s a difference in point of view.

We all want to be right. Have you ever sat back and watched other people argue? Each person believes they are correct. If they didn’t, there would be no argument.
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Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want in the world.”

Wouldn’t it be great if others just did what they need to do when they need to do it? Or, wouldn’t it be nice if those around you who really needed guidance (even if they don’t know it!) would just listen? But, what’s the only thing you really can control? Yourself of course….

Since you can’t control all the people around you, you need to manage your skillfulness at dealing with them. The more effective you become at verbal and nonverbal communication, the more likely it is that people will move the direction you desire.

Since the only thing any of us can control is ourselves, we must become masterful. For your life to work, you cannot just sit on the sidelines and be a spectator. You are an active participant! This day of your life is not a rehearsal. This is the World Series—today and every day!
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When was the last time you tried something new, where it really made you stretch to do the new activity? Where made you even feel uncomfortable? That’s good for you.

Few people actually like that discomfort. The vast majority of people do everything in their power to stay within their comfort zone. This isn’t bad but it greatly slows progress.

Our comfort zones are protection mechanisms that have existed in human beings for millennia. They can help us or they can hinder us.

People resist change for only a few reasons: lack of knowledge or skill, physical or resource restrictions, negative mental projections of a bad outcome, discomfort, or fear. Taking time—analyzing the situation—clarifying the pro’s and con’s, are all good processes. Yet if these are really stall tactics—catch the stall, and bump the comfort zone boundary.
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Do you ever hope for something and it just doesn’t happen?

The pathway between hoping for something and having it—is action. To have the life you desire requires doing—usually a massive amount of doing.

When you see someone like Michael Phelps, Kobe Bryant, Merle Streep or others at the top of their “game”, what you don’t see is the massive hours they put in practicing. It looks flawless on delivery, because they have worked extremely hard to have mastery within their craft.

For each of us there are boundless opportunities. But to achieve any goal requires movement. You have to choose you.
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Have you ever watched a swimmer as they dive in to start a swim meet? Have you ever watched a sprinter in the starting block? Have you ever been to a drag race? Does the first split second make a difference? Without a doubt….

The start of your day is as important as any race you will ever run. How do you begin it? When your alarm goes off, do your eyes pop open and you think to yourself, “Today is going to be another great day!” or, like most people do you whack the snooze button ten times, while you doze and grumble about having to get up.

After you’re out of bed, do you focus on the good things you get to experience today? Or, do you mentally mutter to yourself about a chill in the air, that the coffee isn’t made, that you have to go to work today, and that the darned dog needs to be walked!

You can choose to be a fast, positive waker-upper. Or you can be a droopy, slow waker-upper. What you are telling your self in the beginning of your morning is a major factor.
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What niches have you chosen? What types of close friends, work and play do you fit in with?

Allow you to be you. There are people you may not fit in with. There are situations you may decide not to participate in. And, that’s just fine!

You can make a difference in your own unique way. Your uniqueness adds the value in all interactions. Be continuously learning and questioning so you deepen your character and your gifts. Your friends, family, associates and those you interact with as you move through your day, all can benefit from your unique perspective.

Being different just to be contrary, does not benefit you. Be honest with yourself and true to your values in your actions. That uplifts you and brings a fresh perspective to those who experience you.
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