(continued from last week…)

Hear the “Please” in the Message

Relationship communication hint number eleven is we need to make an effort to hear the “please” behind our partner’s requests or statements. Even if your partner is yelling at you, they want something. It may not be the kindest plea you’ve ever heard, but what they’re doing is saying, “I really want this. Please hear me. Please do this. I want you to do something different than you’re doing.”

We need to try and look at their communications from that perspective. Try and hear the “please” in the words even if they’re not nice, even if there are communication conflicts and breakdowns. Try and hear the “please,” because if they are making the request of you, even if it’s strongly voiced, there’s a please there.

Instead of getting defensive about what they’re saying, try being pleasing to your mate. Have some empathy. Try and clarify. Use paraphrasing, better listening, active listening processes.

Pleasing is hearing the heart in the message. Listen. Hear the heart in the message. Consider what they’re really asking for. Try and look beyond just the words. Hear that there’s a request inside of it. Even if strongly voiced, try and hear the request and try and soften in your mind what you’re hearing. After all, which is really more important, understanding the need or proving you’re right?

We need to hear them and we need to hear the request inside of what they’re saying. Underneath every argument there’s a frustration. There’s the desire for something better. Find out what that is.

Express Your Feelings

Tip number twelve is that as soon as you realize you’re having a feeling about something – good, bad or indifferent – you express it to them. You let them know. If they have an interest, if it’s important, you let them know what you’re feeling.

If you think about TV shows and movies you’ve seen, you may notice that almost every relationship issue that you witness is the result of some kind of a poor or unclear communication. Nearly always the difficulties and problems seem to happen because one person believes something about the other person that isn’t true, or they make an assumption that is incorrect, or they’ve seen something that is askew from what is reality.

It is quite often much better to say what you noticed, say how you’re feeling, say what you’ve observed and clarify if it’s accurate or not than to just make an assumption that’s incorrect. Do not assume.

Don’t hold back. Be there. Be honest. Let them know what you’re experiencing, what you’re feeling, what you’re seeing and thinking.

There is an exception to this rule though. There are times that repressed emotions, maybe from years gone by, surface and pop up. We don’t have to express everything we think. We do not have to express everything we feel. Having to talk about those repressed feelings that you never worked out is not really your partner’s job; it’s your job. You must work on you. In those circumstances, you need to first identify what’s going on with you and clarify before blurting out something.

Don’t dump on them! They are not a garbage dump. They are your partner so make certain that you’re clear about what’s going on with you before you blast or lay it on them.

For instance, I have seen couples who have breakdowns in communication because one person feels like the other isn’t telling them what’s going on. Like the other person leaves to go to the grocery store and doesn’t say anything; they just go. The other person wonders where they are, can’t figure it out and then they find themselves irritated. Well, it would have been better if the partner had told the other person. But the other person needs to reel in their emotions and not automatically blast the other when they get back from the store. We need to be a communicator. We need to take care of ourselves. We need to also express what’s going on with us.

No person or situation upsets you. You upset you! And though they may do things that sometimes trigger us, we must manage us. It really comes back to us and managing what’s going on. So when you have something happening, when you’re feeling a feeling, let them know, unless of course it’s an old thing and you need to deal with it first.

(to be continued…)

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