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(…continued from last week)

Instead of automatically arguing or moving into an argument, here’s something you can do that produces more favorable results. These five steps can help you break through areas of resistance if a conflict occurs around you.

Breaking Through Resistance

#1 Take a Pause

First of all–pause. Literally stop yourself, hesitate for a moment, let whatever is going on happen. Let that person say what they need to say. Awareness of the internal resistance, getting ourselves to slow down for a moment and just stop our automatic reaction to what’s going on is to our benefit. So the first part is pause. Use that quietness, take a breath, slow down- that count-to-ten thing is very valuable.

#2 Tell Me More

When you have that pause going while you’re in this conflict with this other person, one of the things you need to do is use the phrase “Please tell me more.”

You got to be kidding, right? You’re in a conflict, somebody is giving you a hard time, and you’re saying please tell me more. Why would you want to listen?

Well, you may learn something. You may find out what’s going on.

Inside of all conflicts there are two components – there is a little bit of truth probably, and there is the emotional component. In many cases what we need to do is listen for those grains of truth and separate out the emotional component.

It may be 95% emotion, 5% grain of truth, but if you can find the grain of truth by ‘Please tell me more’ you will then begin to get insights into why that person is doing what they’re doing and why they’re saying what they’re saying. ‘Please tell me more’ helps open that up.

#3 Listen

Then when they talk–listen. Listen with every nerve and fiber in your body.

In many cases, rather than listening we are just waiting to talk. We need to focus on not just the rebuttal to justify our position (which isn’t listening) we need to instead make certain that we are listening for those grains of truth because those are essential. You have to choose to listen.

Awareness, choice, control. I need to be aware of what’s going on, I need to make better choices about how I’m going to behave so that I can gain some personal control. I have to listen to them, not just be planning my rebuttal, I have to focus on listening.

#4 Find Agreement

Next you need to find a way to agree with what they’re saying. Agree? You’ve got to be joking! No I’m not.

There’s probably some valid point or bit of truth in what they’re saying. Unless you’re dealing with someone who is very, very out of bounds, there’s probably some insight to be gained by listening. So yes, you need to find a way to agree with them.

You need to acknowledge their perspective. You need to be able to say ‘Now I have a better understanding of how you see this situation’ or ‘Oh, your perspective is important to me and I understand better how you feel’. Those facts are correct. When you acknowledge what they’ve said the conflict begins to diminish.

#5 Give Positive Feedback

And lastly, the fifth thing you do is give them some positive feedback. Make sure you let them know you understand his or her perspective.

When you do that, they will usually be more open to them listening to your point of view, not the rebuttal you were initially throwing out there, but truly the way you see things from your point of view. Not as an argument but as your truth. When you state your truth in that way it becomes safe to deal with you.

Feedback is really a gift, when someone is willing to give that to you, even if it comes through as a criticism or as an argument, you’re learning, you’re growing. You need to see that feedback as a gift because it is.

Whether we like it, whether we understand it, there is a benefit inside of listening and acknowledging because it teaches us more about that person. They are probably much more than only that, yet at the same time it gives us a better understanding.

So, when you practice these steps–when you pause, get them to tell more, listen with every fiber in your body, find a way to agree with them and then give them a reward or give them positive input to that feedback, you build a stronger relationship. Periodically asking for that will assist you in growing all relationships around you because people really see that you’re genuine and you want to know.

(to be continued…)

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