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I’ve Only Got Three Nerves Left – And You Are Pinching Two Of Them (Part 13)

(…continued from last week)

Don’t Demand Perfection

Also, don’t demand perfection. Most people aren’t all that great at providing negative feedback.

One option is to demand that every single little piece of input from them is perfect in each detail. Quite often when you receive this input there may be a grain of truth in it. Well, you want to find that grain of truth. Of course we don’t particularly like to hear the negativity, but if there’s truth in it, we need to get that. It can be of significant benefit.

Don’t play the silly game with the other person of demanding they give you every single solitary piece of input phrased exactly the right way. That’s a game. It’s not going to benefit you. It’s not going to benefit them. It doesn’t really help manage the situation any better either.

Unfortunately, what happens when you demand that they give it to you in exactly the right way that you want to hear it is that it may rob you of the opportunity to learn, to grow and to move forward.

Validate Their Perception

Sometimes, when someone is giving you this input, even if it’s not pleasant, if you can validate their perception it makes it easier.

If you can see why they might think the way they do, then tell them. Say something like, “I can see why you would say that.” This automatically diffuses some of the frustration and helps us become more a part of the exchange.

The fear holding you back from doing this is because of the belief the other person may have won. They haven’t won, especially when you maintain your poise and composure during the process.

Validate the Emotion

You can also validate their emotion. If the other person is upset, you can acknowledge you see their strong feeling.

You could say, “I can see how really concerned you are about this. I can see how frustrated you are with the way this turned out.” This is an aspect of empathy. The person usually feels that they have been heard to at least some degree and part of the emotional drama reduces.

Agree In Part

You can also agree in part. Sometimes when they make a grandiose statement like, “You always do this!” You can respond, “Yes there are times when I do that. But always is probably not true. Yes there is a difficulty in that, yet it’s not that everything within it is totally wrong.”

The problem is that the exaggeration, the grandiose statement blows it out of proportion. So, you can agree in part. “It’s not that it’s all bad. It’s this one component, this one thing here needs to be refined.”

Clarify

Something else that can be done is to ask them for clarification. Make them own their statements.

When you’re given an indirect or a non-verbal criticism it’s fair to ask the person about it. Rather than responding to what you guess they mean, ask what they mean directly. This forces them to take responsibility.

If they say, “Managers never really listen to what employees want.” you might reply, “Hmmm, I’m a manager. I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

In response to a dirty look you might say, “I’m not sure I know what that expression means.”

If the person refuses to elaborate, that’s their right. You can’t control their behavior but you at least let them know that you get it. You have communicated. You can see they’re playing a game. You’ve confronted it.

Explain with No Excuse

At times when this negativity comes across, without offering any excuse you may want to explain what’s happening.

If appropriate, you may wish to offer your version of the events.

“I’m sorry I missed that call, it was my day off.” Or “You’re right. I did forget that. It was a very busy Tuesday. Sorry.”

Don’t go on at length about the issue. Don’t make excuses, own it. Acknowledge what happened. Be accountable. This helps to diffuse the situation and let’s them know they’ve been heard.

(to be continued…)

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The Psychology Of Nonverbals
Dr. Larry Iverson teaches you the psychology of how you can structure your communications more effectively by understanding the laws of approachability and the psychology of great communications. Armed with this information, you will quickly be able to assess what’s important to the other person and build instant rapport. With the knowledge from this series of programs you will increase your charisma, credibility, and clout. Since your actions will determine how you are perceived: weak or powerful, unsure or confident, insecure or ready to take on the world—don’t leave your communications to chance. In this program you will learn to take control over how others perceive you. Is there any part of your life where being a good communicator or having a great relationship is not important? This program will show you exactly how to be a powerful communicator and get people to like you and your ideas in every situation.