(continued from last week…)

More Than One Perspective

Tip number four would be that we need to watch out not to confront our mate with preset judgments or opinions that say they are wrong or at fault. There is more than one perspective on something and to automatically jump in and say that the way they see things is incorrect may not be the best strategy.

If you confront that person because you think he or she is at fault and you happen to be mistaken and you’ve done it in an aggressive or unkind manner, both of you lose. You will bear that burden, you’ll bear that pain for a long time.

To be judged as at fault without real and deep documentation that’s true is not good. Whenever we blast another person it takes a very long time to overcome it.

Many times in working with couples they will have a disagreement, they will blast back and forth at each other and maybe one person comes out on top. And if they do that a few times, pretty soon the other person starts to feel wounds.

We need to pay attention. Don’t take out on them what’s going on with you. We need to make certain that we deal with the other person respectfully.

We don’t need to confront. Confrontation is not to the benefit of either of us. Discussing things, talking, communicating, teaching, gaining understanding, asking questions are, though.

Even if there’s only a small chance that you’re wrong about your partner being at fault, let it lie. Be more for the truth. Be more for honor. Be more for softness. You don’t need to be blasting them. Putting your partner on the defensive is not conducive to open communication, to smooth interactions, to being truthful and helpful and honorable.

When you see or feel an issue, initiate it with an “I” statement. An example of an “I” statement is, “I’m not certain what happened, but I think we need to talk about it.” “I don’t understand why that’s so important to you.” “I need your help or assistance to figure this out.” “I have a problem with what you just said to me and the way you’re treating me at this time. I believe we need to communicate more effectively and need to talk about how to do that.” These “I” statements take the defensiveness out of pointing fingers at them.

These are ways of putting the initial blame to the side. You are accepting responsibility for your part of it. You are not just pointing fingers at them saying “You’re wrong, you’re bad, you’re at fault.” You need to use your mate as a sounding board not as a dart board.

(to be continued…)

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