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Negative Self-Talk Eliminator


Can We Talk About This Later?

Part 4 of 14 from Communication Essentials

(continued from last week…)

The Appropriate Time

A third tip for building a great relationship and improving your communications is don’t bring up important issues during rushed, stressful or inappropriate times of day. Does that happen? Oh yes, but we need to slow down. If it’s important enough to talk about and something that is really essential to us, we need to take time and do it during an appropriate time.

It’s a great practice to voice what’s going on with you and talk about what’s happening inside and how you feel about something when it comes up, yet if you have an emotionally charged issue, something you just need to get out and discuss, it’s best to wait until you both have time to sit down, talk about it and think through it.

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Trying to do this just as you’re trying to drop off to sleep or first thing in the morning as you’re rushing off to work, or just before you’re going off to some place to vacation with someone else is probably not the appropriate time to talk about the deep emotional issues that are getting in the way.

Also, don’t nag and don’t pound on them. It is only irritating. It doesn’t really help. We need to bring up those issues and things that need discussing at appropriate not inopportune times.

Emotional issues seem worse if we’re trying to talk about them when we’re tired, when we feel stressed, if things are rushed. Trying to do this at those times – right before work, in an inappropriate location, just before we go to sleep, over dinner, while we’re trying to talk about and enjoy a moment with each other – is probably not the time to have the heavy conversations that need to be resolved.

Take some time. Think about it. Set up what you want to say and how you want to say it. Give some privacy and your full attention to this moment. Make sure you have the time to discuss this thing that’s important to you.

Before talking to your partner, ask them whether they are in a place right now to discuss this. Ask them, “Is this an appropriate time? Do you feel like this would be a good time to have a discussion? There’s something I really need to talk with you about, is this a good moment for you?”

There are more appropriate and less appropriate times and if they’re feeling bad or having an issue for some reason, this may not be the time to bring up this big deal to you.

If your partner is not ready, then try to figure a better time. Say, “Do you want to maybe talk about it later? Or would tomorrow be better? Or why don’t you let me know when would be a good time. There’s something I want to talk to you about in our _________ in our relationship.”

If you find that you and your partner have any past issues you haven’t dealt with, most likely there are some damaging feelings – resentment, anger, defensiveness –stored up. These darker feelings can continue to undermine your relationship and they don’t go away until you deal with them.

Your first priority though is to find a working solution for each of those things that have come up and it takes time. Because if you maintain hard feelings, if you have hurts, if there are wounds in there somewhere, they can build anger and resentment that pops up over time.

Often times when doing counselling or doing coaching with a client, when we’re talking about a specific topic, emotions may arise that remind them of things from their past or a feeling similar to what they’ve had in their past. If that feeling comes back that means the feeling is still living in their brain.

I don’t care if it happened when you were 15 years old and you’re now 55. If you can still have strong feelings about that thing back then, that emotion is still living inside of your brain and can affect you today and your relationship today. If you have those strong feelings from the past and they come back when you’re talking about something important to you today, you need to deal with it. And you need to take care of it because it may really have not much to do with your relationship. It just got triggered by your relationship.

As difficulties arise, as issues come up between the two of you, either discuss and resolve them as they arise or find some way to agree to talk about it later. Just ignoring a problem, ignoring negative feelings will make them grow and increase because they don’t get less over time. They stay and they fester. It’s like having a sliver in your finger. If you don’t get it out, it get’s swollen. It gets irritated. Your body’s trying to reject it and you get an infection in your little finger.

At some point you have to take a long look. You have to think about those things that maybe overwhelm you or get in your way. All too often dealing with things needs to happen immediately yet it has to be done at an appropriate time.

If you don’t deal with it, it can cause serious issues in the relationship that might not be there otherwise if you just take the time. But make sure it’s an appropriate time and check with your partner to make sure it’s an appropriate time for them, not just appropriate for you but for both of you. And so you must ask.

If you don’t resolve problems, over time they will grow. They get fertilized by time and can get bigger and bigger and they often will live in your unconscious memory bank until you finally take the time to deal with them.

(to be continued…)

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The Psychology Of Nonverbals
Dr. Larry Iverson teaches you the psychology of how you can structure your communications more effectively by understanding the laws of approachability and the psychology of great communications. Armed with this information, you will quickly be able to assess what’s important to the other person and build instant rapport. With the knowledge from this series of programs you will increase your charisma, credibility, and clout. Since your actions will determine how you are perceived: weak or powerful, unsure or confident, insecure or ready to take on the world—don’t leave your communications to chance. In this program you will learn to take control over how others perceive you. Is there any part of your life where being a good communicator or having a great relationship is not important? This program will show you exactly how to be a powerful communicator and get people to like you and your ideas in every situation.