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I’ve Only Got Three Nerves Left – And You Are Pinching Two Of Them (Part 2)

(…continued from last week)

The Dark Side

You see, there really is a dark side of conflict and criticism, when people are trying to pinch two of your last three nerves.

When we’re in conflict, we oftentimes will say things we don’t mean and sometimes we mean things we really don’t get around to saying. Only rarely do we truly communicate at a very deep level what we are honestly thinking and feeling.

Seldom do people speak from their own center of truth and expose their deepest most vulnerable feelings and thoughts at that moment in time.

We need to make certain that we don’t get caught up in that trap. Why is it so hard, so difficult in many cases to say what we need to say?

Getting criticized, having someone clamp down on two of those last three nerves, has the capacity to oftentimes confuse us, to mesmerize us, to get us to believe that we have to do battle. It sometimes seems like that’s the only way it can be dealt with.

Conflict sometimes poses an engaging, a destructive kind of power, and it’s the power of getting attached when we need to move away. It’s the power of feeling resentment when we really need to let it go and move on. Often it is the power that drives us to speak out, when we should actually just remain silent and listen.

Sometimes conflict has the ability to stroke and crush our ego at the same time. It will fuel us and make us tired. It energizes us and in many cases can immobilize us and freeze us in our tracks.

And, it speaks to a very deep part of us that desires power and delights in getting back at someone, to help make sure that we stay on top.

When we get that negative input, when we engage in that conflict, our emotions become enormously powerful and quite overwhelming.

When we experience very strong emotions they can literally can feel limitless, unstoppable, they can become irresistible, and have the ability to drag us in and define who we are at that moment.

The Getting Hold

Part of the seduction of strong emotions is it identifies and encourages us to define ourselves in absolute terms.

Those strong emotions want us to dig down into our emotional center and make that experience an end point.

In many cases we identify with that feeling of power that comes along with that strong emotion. Quite often to do that, we have to surrender our self-control and give in to the fight or flight urge, which is precisely what we do not want to do.

Surprisingly, large scale change and development can be achieved through fairly simple actions. To do this requires that you take responsibility for your part in the situation; not to get caught up in the drama but to make sure you own your part.

It also necessitates that you’re personally accountable for your part in the conflict. There are no magic wands but there are many effective tools, techniques, methods, approaches, questions, states of mind that are different for each person but that we can use to take back our control in situations when people are powerfully in our way.

What matters really is your search for what works for you and right now you can begin doing that.

You need to make two commitments to yourself. First, you must listen and learn. You have to listen both internally to yourself and what’s going on inside of you, and you have to listen to the person that you’re interacting with in the tense situation.

You have to pay close attention to that internal dialog inside of your mind. Attend as well to your own sense of right and wrong. To what your truth is in that moment.

You also need to make certain that you really are listening to that other person. Oftentimes when people can see that we truly are giving them a moment, when we are listening to them, it makes all the difference. So, first you must listen and learn.

Second, you need to change the way you act or react to that situation. It is essential to explore options without bias. You need to separate problems from people, to explore reasons for resistance or defensiveness and to act with honor, with commitment, maintaining your own integrity.

You have to change the way you act out of a gut reaction, to a more controlled you that you can stay on top of. Instead of just reacting, you need to respond from forethought and practice.

So one, listen and learn. Two, change your actions and reactions so you respond from thought instead of a gut response.

(to be continued…)

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Create A Commanding Presence
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