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(…continued from last week)

Managing the Negatives

There are various ways of dealing with criticism or negative feedback when it comes at us. What works best for someone you know, may not work for you. In order for any of these methods to work well they must be practiced.
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Shame and/or Inadequacy

Nearly everyone at some point has suspicions that they really aren’t very adequate or capable in some part of life. We develop this very early in childhood, and hopefully with the opposing sense that we are also okay.

Yet sometimes feeling shamed, feeling inadequate comes through. Better to say something like, “Okay, yes I did miss the target. I will work on it next time. I’ve got to find a better way to organize it myself so I don’t have to do that again.” Shame and inadequacy don’t really help you or the situation.

Of the six reactions to criticism – fear, anger, counter attack, denial or blaming, defense, shame and inadequacy, I mentioned that the most common of these is anger. Let’s talk about that for just a moment.

Steps to Anger

Anger has six steps to it. If you become angry you went through all six steps. The first two steps only create frustration. But as soon as you cross over from number two to number three, you have fallen into the trap of anger.

The Six Steps To Becoming Angry Are:

Step 1

“I want my way.” You can want whatever you want. If you don’t get something you desire it is simply frustrating, not anger producing, it is just kind of uncomfortable inside.
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Direct Criticism

The fourth type of criticism is direct criticism. Here the criticism is open and direct without being particularly aggressive. If you are going to receive criticism, this is the best form because they are being honest or straightforward. There is usually no aggression encased in it and they are letting you know what they are seeing, feeling and hearing.

“You made a mistake in the quarterly report.”

“This project summary isn’t well organized.”

“I don’t like your attitude about this.”

“You are making too many demands on me.”

“You need to speed up and step up your productivity.”
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Types of Criticism

Professor and author Leo Buscaglia said “There are two big forces at work, external and internal. We have very little control over external forces such as tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, illness, pain, what other people do, what they think. What really matters is the internal force. How do I choose to respond to those disasters over that I have complete control?”

Negative feedback can be hard to figure out often because it is tinged with the other person’s emotions. Responding with emotional control can be very difficult.
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Fear Distortion

The seventh of these is fear. Some people are so hesitant to criticize that the feedback comes across in a very disguised form. The persons’ fear of you, of reprisal, or being out done may make them want to not be wholly honest. They may be afraid of your response or harm to the relationship so they disguise the information in unhelpful ways. You may have to wait for hours to get real information because they are beating around the bush or they give you information they think you want to hear instead of what you do need to hear.

It’s Not All Bad

Criticism is not a bad thing. Negative feedback and criticism can be very helpful. If you need input to better stay on track with where you are going it can be of benefit to get information from others. Again the problem is that all too often this feedback you receive is tinged with emotions because of what is going on with the other person. We need to find a way to not allow ourselves to get dragged into the mire by other people’s issues.
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Prompts for Criticism

Terry Cole-Whittaker once wrote a book called “What You Think About Me Is None Of My Business”. I love the title of the book. It was actually a very good book.

Most of us don’t like to be criticized. How’s that for an understatement?

Criticism though is unavoidable. The only way to live your life without criticism is to hide away in a cave and never see anyone. If you are around people sooner or later you’re going to receive some negative feedback. It’s going to happen.
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Commitment To The Process

You need to make two commitments to yourself.

First, you must listen and learn. You must listen internally and pay close attention to your own internal dialogue, and your sense of right or truth. You also need to listen externally to the voice of your criticizer, or this person who’s on the other side of the table from you.
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Have you ever had someone pick on you? Or be sarcastic towards you or blame you for something you did, or maybe didn’t do? Have you ever had people give you a hard time about things? How much do most of us like criticism? Not too much. Yet it comes with life.
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