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Watch All The Signal

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This simple head position pace can promote rapport or break it. If you want to create some tension, tip the opposite way – it makes it hard to make eye contact, promotes a feeling of discomfort, and sometimes this is a benefit to shake up the system a little.

Remember that you don’t want to move immediately when the other person does. Leave a pause between shifting and you following. It’s a good rule of thumb to pace people’s movements 60% to maybe 80% of the time. If you copy every single action they did it could become a slapstick circus. Read more »

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Watch All The Signal

There’s a rumor floating around that if you’re talking to someone and they cross their arms it means they are blocking you out or don’t want to hear what you’re saying. That’s not necessarily true. Maybe they’re tired, maybe they’re cold, maybe they’re more comfortable standing that way. Maybe they’re in pain, maybe it’s a habit. Maybe their back hurts and it’s a way to reduce strain. To make the assumption that folded arms always means the other person doesn’t like you or isn’t listening to you or is shutting you out is a generalization that does not work. Read more »

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Pay Close Attention

When pacing with someone you can lead them to open up more when you have rapport. The way you test and see if you are in sync and if you are matching them is that if you change your posture or voice tone and they change too, then you are in sync, you have built rapport. In this way, you can lead them to a more resourceful state and enhanced communication.

After she and I had been talking for a few minutes I gestured briefly and then didn’t refold my hands, waiting a moment I noticed she didn’t change her posture at all. I waited a moment, then I resumed my folded hands position. After another minute or so of discussing her company strategy, I tilted my head slightly, then she did also. By doing so she kept her eyes on the same plane with me so we could make better eye contact. That was progress! Read more »

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Making A Positive Connection

Why would one person say another is a fake? Usually because there is a disparity between what the person is saying and his or her behavior. There is a mismatch between the communication signals that you are receiving, the words don’t align with the tone or the body messages given.

When we receive conflicting signals, or when we give them to others, the result is normally confusion, distrust, or a breaking off rapport. Remember, when it comes to disagreement between the words and non-verbal message, the nonverbals are believed first just about every time. Read more »

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Multisensory Pacing Works

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics said, “People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile. Get yourself a goal worth going for. Better still, get yourself a project! Always have something ahead of you to look forward to, something to work for, and something to hope for!”

Dr. Martin Luther King said, “Open communication is the greatest gift you can give to anyone.” Read more »

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Mismatch Trouble

Have you ever called customer service over the complaint department in a company? While doing consulting for a corporation I listened in on a few of the operators taking complaints. Many conversations went poorly. The customers frequently felt as distressed when they finished the call as they did when they started. Read more »

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Types of Matching

One example of pacing is social customs. When you go to church, shouting profanities at the top of your voice during the sermon is probably not high on the list of acceptable behaviors. Beating up someone you work with just for fun, throwing rocks at someone’s car in the parking lot are also probably not a good pace for appropriate behaviors. Having a food fight at a restaurant with other customers probably would not be well accepted in those restaurants. Nowhere are things like lying and stealing recommended practices in business dealings.

Beating up someone you work with is not appropriate. But if you are someone who is into martial arts or boxing, beating opponents in a match is what you are supposed to do. Read more »