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Can You Make a Positive Connection?

Part 9 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Making A Positive Connection

Why would one person say another is a fake? Usually because there is a disparity between what the person is saying and his or her behavior. There is a mismatch between the communication signals that you are receiving, the words don’t align with the tone or the body messages given.

When we receive conflicting signals, or when we give them to others, the result is normally confusion, distrust, or a breaking off rapport. Remember, when it comes to disagreement between the words and non-verbal message, the nonverbals are believed first just about every time. Read more »




Your Body Tells It’s Own Story

Part 8 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Multisensory Pacing Works

Dr. Maxwell Maltz, the author of Psycho Cybernetics said, “People who say that life is not worthwhile are really saying they themselves have no personal goals which are worthwhile. Get yourself a goal worth going for. Better still, get yourself a project! Always have something ahead of you to look forward to, something to work for, and something to hope for!”

Dr. Martin Luther King said, “Open communication is the greatest gift you can give to anyone.” Read more »




Talking To Angry People

Part 7 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Mismatch Trouble

Have you ever called customer service over the complaint department in a company? While doing consulting for a corporation I listened in on a few of the operators taking complaints. Many conversations went poorly. The customers frequently felt as distressed when they finished the call as they did when they started. Read more »




Use Mirroring for Effective Communication

Part 6 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Types of Matching

One example of pacing is social customs. When you go to church, shouting profanities at the top of your voice during the sermon is probably not high on the list of acceptable behaviors. Beating up someone you work with just for fun, throwing rocks at someone’s car in the parking lot are also probably not a good pace for appropriate behaviors. Having a food fight at a restaurant with other customers probably would not be well accepted in those restaurants. Nowhere are things like lying and stealing recommended practices in business dealings.

Beating up someone you work with is not appropriate. But if you are someone who is into martial arts or boxing, beating opponents in a match is what you are supposed to do. Read more »




Do You Seek or Avoid Conflict?

Part 5 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Gliding Through Signals

Pacing another’s communication is like a dance. You each take cues from the other person’s signals and you move together. When you are really in sync, it’s fun, it feels great. When the dance is forced or toes are getting stepped on, it’s not so much fun. Tension builds, communication falls out of rhythm and you have a mismatch.

You like people who are most like you. When you share similar interests, values, communication styles, common goals, you feel that fit. No one wants to have disharmony. Would you rather have a disagreement with someone you don’t care about or with someone you greatly respect or love and is important to you? When you care about someone or share a connection you strive to keep harmony, you want the relationship to stay on an even keel; you don’t want to have conflicts. You will often do much more to avoid hassles with someone important to you than you will with someone who is insignificant in your life. Read more »




Do You Communicate Effectivly?

Part 4 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

The Pacing Flow

When you have rapport with a friend or co-worker it’s because you’re matching in their communication style. One of the most complex parts of this is pacing. The more you fit in with them, the more you are like their delivery style, the more you feel the connection with them. Pacing is a key to life relationships that begins to unleash your success on many levels. Read more »




The Law of Requisite Variety

Part 3 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Options Make Life Easier

Remember the mathematical principle, the Law of Requisite Variety? It says “The part of system with the most options will control the system.” Not might control the system, not could control the system, “will” control the system.

For instance, what’s the most complex part of a car and is also the part of the car to most likely have trouble? It’s the engine, right? How come? The part of the machine with the most moving parts is the place that has the highest complexity and in this case has the most influence over the system. That part is also the most likely one to break down first because there are more ways it can break down. Read more »




A Time to Remember

Part 2 of 12 from Communication Dance

(continued from last week…)

Rich Moments

I’d like you to take a moment right now to remember a time with a good friend or a family member when you were having an exceptionally good time, a time worth remembering, when you and they felt great and were in sync with one another. Remember that time. How come you were each enjoying that moment so much? What were you doing that was making that experience fulfilling and fun?

The simplest answer is your verbal and non-verbal communication cues matched and your thoughts and mental images about what was happening were in agreement with the visual, auditory, and kinesthetic feeling signals you got from them. You thoroughly enjoyed the time because you felt in alignment with the other person. Your models of a good time fit consciously and unconsciously. The rapport between the two of you was strong. Read more »